Current mood:

confused

looking foward to a time when I can talk to you past 10:59...


After I visited you I wrote this....

"And again I expose myself to you. I show up with a shaved head that I told myself I'd never let you see and minus the beard I grew for just such an occasion. I show up un-announced because I was afraid you'd just have told me not to come. I screw up by scaring you when all I want to do is keep you safe. And while my attitude was improved, less somber, and we both had fun, I was still in the wrong. I wont apologize because it was better than I had even hoped for, but I will recognize the fact that I am now "the other guy". You aren't my girl anymore, you're his. Before I could always fall back on the past. We had more history. And even though you were with him, I had one thing on my side, I knew that deep down, you still loved me. But that advantage is gone now. I don't know if you 'love' him, or you are 'in love with' him, but my advantage has disappeared. That is a hard fact to swallow. Sometimes you exert so much strength trying to hold on to the past, it prevents you from grabbing hold of the present, let alone striving for the future. I did have fun though. I didn't know what to expect when I got there. I thought you would turn me away, so when you accepted my invite to Denny's, I was felt justified. I don't know what changed in the last week, but your tone is different, and you seemed happy to see me. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you were just lonely, but what ever it was I enjoyed it...though it would have been better with a skillet."


I wrote it and decided not to send it. I guess I just feel incomplete without you. I don't mean to pressure you. I just thought you were done with the easy road...I don't want to be the other guy aanymore.